


Spider-Man Plays AlphabetiCall | BBC One

by Jenniboo311



Series: Social Butterfly Spidey [16]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aged-Up Peter Parker, AlphabetiCall, BBC Radio 1, Gen, Humor, Internet, Interviews, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Spider-Man: Far From Home Compliant, Secret Identity, Social Media, Video, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:00:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28172799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenniboo311/pseuds/Jenniboo311
Summary: "The rules are that simple," the host continues quickly, not giving the hero a chance to think very deeply. "You're going to make a prank call and you have to start every sentence with the next letter of the alphabet.""Wait, you want me to do what?" Spider-Man asks into the microphone in a panicked voice, white eye lenses as wide as they can go, giant headphones covering his ears."You'll be fine! You're doing it."The host hits the call button, ignoring Spider-Man's nervous spluttering and awkward hand waving, and the sound of a phone ringing fills the studio."No seriously, I'm the most awkward person in existence. Can we not? Please don't make me do this!""Hi, Smythes Toys Superstores, how can I help you?"
Series: Social Butterfly Spidey [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1484537
Comments: 37
Kudos: 293
Collections: Peter Parker's Tales, ellie marvel fics - read





	Spider-Man Plays AlphabetiCall | BBC One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OldFashionedMoth](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=OldFashionedMoth).



> While Peter's age is never specified, I consider him aged up to probably his early twenties, and is a mix of MCU-Spidey and PS4-Spidey. Endgame and Far From Home didn't happen, and Civil War magically ended with everyone as friends again.
> 
> For OldFashionedMoth, one of my best and dearest friends, who inspired the idea for this fic. Hope it made you laugh <3

"So Spider-Man, it's time for AlphabetiCall," the radio host says with a smirk, speaking into a giant microphone in front of his face in a lovely English accent, a large pair of noise cancelling headphones sandwiched on his head.

The video comically cuts to a preview of what is to come, highlighted by red alert sirens and the screen flashing colors.

_"Wait, you want me to do what?" Spider-Man asks into the microphone in a panicked voice, white eye lenses as wide as they can go, giant headphones covering his ears._

"The rules are that simple," the host continues quickly, not giving the hero a chance to think very deeply. "You're going to make a prank call and you have to start every sentence with the next letter of the alphabet."

_"No seriously, I'm the most awkward person in existence. Can we not? Please don't make me do this!"_

"We've been thinking about who we can call and we think we've got it. So you're going to be calling a toy store, inquiring about their selection of superhero merchandise. You're a superhero yourself, so you should have a bit of a leg up there. This is a real toy shop in Romford. Let's go!"

"Wait, you want me to do what?" Spider-Man asks in a panic, catching up to what the host just quickly riddled off.

"You'll be fine! You're doing it."

The host hits the call button, ignoring Spider-Man's nervous spluttering and awkward hand waving, and the sound of a phone ringing fills the studio.

"No seriously, I'm the most awkward person in existence. Can we not? Please don't make me do this!"

_"Hi, Smythes Toys Superstores, how can I help you?"_ A kind sounding young woman asks in an English accent.

The dead air lingers awkwardly as the arachnid freezes up, woefully unprepared for the task he was just shoved into and the radio host raises his eyebrows expectantly at him.

_"Hello? Are you there?_ " The woman questions again, getting ready to hang up.

Spider-Man anxiously clenches his fists in front of his face and waves them around before giving in and clutching the back of his neck in embarrassment as he blurts out, "Alright! I'm here, no need to be impatient!" He crumples forward in mortification, unused to speaking so abruptly to people.

**'ALRIGHT'** appears on the screen in bold text as the 'A' ticks off the progress bar along the bottom, followed by a small ding sound to indicate it was acceptable.

The woman sounds a bit taken aback at the rude response and replies cautiously, " _Okay, then... How can I help you, sir?_ "

The hero straightens up, making a slight distressed sound, and blurts, "Bandanas! I'm looking for Avengers bandanas. Do you have any of those?" He covers his eyes with a hand in mortification, instantly regretting his choice.

**'BANDANAS'** appears on screen, accompanied by the approving ding sound effect.

" _...No, sir. This is a toy store, we don't carry apparel._ "

"Codswallop!" The vigilante exclaims, accompanied by the text on screen and the ding. "I've seen bandanas there before, I'm sure of it."

The host laughs silently to himself, loving the awkward exchange.

" _... I'm sorry sir, but I don't think-_ "

"Don't worry about the bandanas anymore, I'm no longer interested. They're dead to me." He urges dramatically as he puts his hands on his hips and hangs his head, looking resigned and mortified.

**'DON'T'** , reads the text on screen as the fourth letter ticks off the progress bar.

" _...umm, okay. Have a nice day-_ "

"Ever get any other Avengers merch in stock there?" He fairly shouts into the microphone in a panic to prevent her hanging up.

**'EVER'**

" _Uh, yes. Yes we get Avengers toys here-_ "

"For example, Iron Man? Captain America?" Spider-Man gestures grandly with his hands.

**'FOR'**

" _Yes sir, I know who the Avengers are._ "

"G-Great!" The hero stammers, almost fumbling the challenge.

**'GREAT'**

"Hawkeye? Do you have any, uh, Hawkeye stuff?" He looks up at the ceiling, looking pained and as though he is wishing for this to be over soon.

**'HAWKEYE'**

" _Yeah, I can go check-_ "

"I know he's the least helpful Avenger, but he's still part of the team, you know? I mean, bow and arrow? What even is that? Join us in the twenty first century already."

**'I'**

" _...right. Do you want me to go check-_ "

"Just wondering," he replies earnestly, nodding.

**'JUST'**

" _I'll be right back._ "

The vigilante drops his head and shakes it at himself in exasperation while the clerk goes to check on the items. The host laughs quietly and the arachnid pops his head up to narrow his eye lenses at him in a glare that only amuses the host further.

" _Yeah, we've got lots of Hawkeye toys left. There's an action figure and this bow and arrow thing with suction cups on the end._ "

" _Keep going,_ " the arachnid prompts, pretending to sound invested in the conversation.

**'KEEP'**

" _...uh, well that's pretty much it. Just the bow and the action figure._ "

He takes a deep breath, wracking his brain for the next letter. "Legos?"

**'LEGOS'**

" _Yeah, there's Legos but, like, it's part of the Avengers set. He doesn't have his own set._ "

"Mmmm-" Spider-Man scrambles to think of a word, moving stiltedly. "Mmmmmighty Thor! Does Thor have some toys as well? I bet he's popular." He coughs in relief.

**'MIGHTY'**

" _Yeah, he's really popular. I know we have the hammer thing, and a Thor costume-_ "

"Now! See?" Spider-Man exclaims heatedly as the screen displays the text for another successful letter. He throws his arm out dramatically, gesturing as though she could actually see him. "You told me you didn't have apparel. Have you been lying to me this whole time?"

_"...uh...no! We- we don't sell apparel, sir. It's just a child's dress up costume set. We don't sell shirts or- or bandanas-"_

"Okay, I believe you. Let's leave the bandanas in the past where they belong. They're dead to me now, as I've said," Spider-Man says, sounding completely confident in what he's saying.

**'OKAY'**

_"...what?" The young woman asks quietly, sounding bewildered and utterly ready to end this bizarre phone call._

Spider-Man covers his mouth to muffle any sounds escaping him as he shakes with silent laughter. The host gestures animatedly at him to keep going.

"Uhhh, please, another question if you don't mind. You've been so helpful." he says in a panic, scrambling to keep her talking.

**'PLEASE'**

_"... sure..."_

He shakes his hands around in a panic, searching for his next word. "Q-Quite recently, I've discovered another hero. Spider-Man. Have you heard of him?"

**'QUITE'**

_"Yeah, he's the bendy one with the silly string right?"_

"Really?" Spider-Man exclaims a bit louder than originally intended, sounding a bit affronted and visibly puffs up. "It's synthetic spider webs, that he invented himself as a young teen. What scientists around the world with PHDs and all levels of brilliance have yet to accomplish. It's not silly string! Though he is bendy, I'll give you that one."

**'REALLY'**

_"...uh huh,"_ she agrees, sounding totally disinterested. _"But like, there's a wrist thing we sell that shoots silly string."_

Spider-Man deflates, tipping his head to the side in acknowledgment that he can't currently voice. "Silly string. That's clever. And adorable." He sighs.

**'SILLY STRING'**

"Uhhh, Thrusters! Do you have any Iron Man thrusters?" Spider-Man asks desperately.

**'THRUSTERS'**

_"Ummm,"_ the line goes silent for a moment while she checks. _"Yeah, those glove things that make noise and light up. We've got a couple pairs left of those, but they're pretty popular so they could sell out anytime."_

"Unbelievable, hey? How Tony Stark invented that in a cave? He's a- he's a smart guy." The vigilante smacks himself upside the head for sounding so lame.

**'UNBELIEVABLE'**

_"Uh huh. Pretty smart. So, if that's everything-"_

Spidey squirms with anxiety, wracking his brain for a word beginning with 'v' and blurts it out just in time, "Vvvvery quickly, before I let you go..."

**'VERY'**

_"Uh huh?"_ She responds, sounding less than enthusiastic.

"Would you say that Spider-Man's toys are selling much better than, say, Hawkeye's toys?" The arachnid asks innocently, his mask twitching at the mouth over a hidden smirk.

**'WOULD'**

_"Hmm,"_ the clerk hums, presumably eyeing the state of the toy shelves in the store. _"Yeah, probably."_

Spider-Man fist pumps the air victoriously and his eye lenses narrow in vicious glee.

_"The bow is pretty popular but parents much prefer the silly string thing because it's easier to clean up than knocking over breakables with the suction cup arrows,"_ the clerk continues on, obliviously.

The vigilant shakes his head and shrugs at the laughing host as though to say, 'It doesn't matter, a win is a win.'

"X-Men? Do you have any X-Men merchandise as well? Sorry."

**'X-MEN'**

Though she certainly tries to conceal it, her tired sigh echoes down the phone line and Spider-Man shakes with laughter.

_"Um, I can check-"_

"You know what?" He interrupts her in a voice thick with amusement before she can put down the phone. "I've already changed my mind. I'd rather buy some Spider-Man gear, I think. He sounds pretty cool."

**'YOU'**

A prolonged, irritated silence follows his statement before she replies with a very unenthusiastic, _"Uh huh."_

He flounders, searching for the hardest word of all and scrubs furiously at his masked face as he tries to think before she hangs up on him.

"ZEALOUS!" He fairly shouts at her in his excitement and relief. "I'm a zealous Spider-Man fan! I heard he gives all his merch proceeds to charity, helping orphaned kids around the world. Check it out sometime, maybe."

_"Right."_

Spider-Man lets a chuckle bubble out of his mouth as he responds, "Thanks so much for your help. I'm so sorry I took up so much of your time and thanks for your patience!"

_"Have a good day, sir."_

She promptly hangs up.

Spider-Man throws off his headphones and collapses to the floor as though his strings have been cut and the host guffaws in mirth. The alphabet letters across the bottom of the screen blink in victory and the jingling sound effect blasts a congratulatory chorus.

"I never want to do that again," Spider-Man groans, standing up and replacing the headphones. "That was awful. She was just going about her day and then I was rude to her for seven minutes. I'm going to be cringing about that for weeks."

"Lucky for you, you don't have to do it again."

"Oh my God," he groans, clutching his forehead and already recalling the cringiest parts.

"My favorite part was when you chastised her for being impatient after she pleasantly greeted you good day," the host says laughing his head off.

"Nooo!" The hero whimpers, begging not to rehash the highlights.

The host smirks but seems to take pity on him. "Thanks for playing AlphabetiCall! Spider-Man, it's been a pleasure."

\-----

Comments

**gaykeyboardsmash**

Imagine how that clerk is gonna feel when she catches this online at some point and realizes she was on the phone with Spider-Man for nearly 10 minutes

**Aprendiz_137**

I'm screaming! Bandanas? Wtfff why is that the first thing he thought of?

**cwatt37**

I thought he was known for his quick wit in the face of near certain death, why was he panicking so hard?

**cb3**

JJJ later: Spiderman is a menace! Recently caught in the act having a disturbing altercation with hard working retail worker, wastes everyone's time.

**ProbablyAHuman**

Does he seriously donate his merch proceeds to charity? That's so nice! I don't know why I was surprised about that.

**PanAcePanic**

Ahahaha I like how he doesn't miss a chance to work in a dig against Hawkeye even when he's under pressure

**IconicAnemone**

Raise your hand if you, too, are a zealous Spider-Man fan

**TotallyNotDeadpool**

Got some DP merch here you can have, baby boy. I know how big a fan you are.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have read my other fics in this series you may notice I used the names of commenters as random users. If I have used your name and this bothers you, please let me know and I will happily change it.
> 
> If you liked my story, please consider dropping me a line to let me know you enjoyed yourself!
> 
> I've also recently started a tumblr, find me @jenniboo311. Sometimes I post sneak peeks. :)


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